“Just get over it already.”
“That was so long ago—why are you still stuck on that?”
“You’ve been in therapy for months. Shouldn’t you be better by now?”
If you’ve ever heard these words—or caught yourself thinking them—you’re not alone. Our culture has this persistent myth that healing should happen on a timeline, like checking off boxes on a to-do list. Do the work, process the trauma, move on. Simple, right?
Not quite.
The Pressure to “Move On”
Here’s the thing about our society: we’re obsessed with productivity and quick fixes. We want healing to look like a straight line from point A (hurt) to point B (healed). We want before-and-after photos, success stories with neat endings, and timelines that make sense to everyone else.
This pressure hits even harder when you’re navigating trauma as someone from a marginalized community. Society often sends the message that you should be “grateful” for what you have and just “move forward.” There’s an added layer of expectation that you’ll be strong, resilient, and uncomplaining—especially if you’re a Black woman, a person of color, or someone whose identity has historically been minimized or pathologized.
But healing doesn’t care about society’s timeline. Your nervous system doesn’t consult a calendar before deciding when to feel safe again.
What Healing Actually Looks Like
In my practice, I often use the metaphor of a mosaic. When you’re creating a mosaic, you don’t just slap pieces down in a straight line and call it art. You move pieces around, try different arrangements, sometimes take a step back and see what’s not working. Some days the image comes together beautifully, and other days you might knock over half the pieces and start again.
That’s healing.
Through my work with EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and Internal Family Systems, I’ve watched countless people discover that their healing journey looks more like a spiral than a straight line. You might feel like you’re making progress, then suddenly find yourself triggered by something that “shouldn’t” bother you anymore. You might have a breakthrough in therapy on Tuesday and feel completely overwhelmed by Wednesday.
This isn’t failure. This is how healing works.
Your Internal Family System
One of the things I love about Internal Family Systems is how it honors the complexity of who we are. We all have different “parts” of ourselves—some that want to protect us, some that carry our pain, some that hold our joy and creativity. When trauma happens, especially trauma rooted in systemic oppression or identity-based harm, these parts develop their own coping strategies.
Your anxious part might have learned to be hypervigilant to keep you safe. Your angry part might have learned to fight back against injustice. Your sad part might be carrying grief not just for your own losses, but for the losses of your community, your ancestors, your people.
These parts don’t all heal at the same pace. They don’t all trust therapy at the same rate. Some parts might be ready to let go and move forward, while others are still convinced that danger is around every corner. This internal negotiation takes time—and it’s not linear.
The Wisdom in “Going Backward”
What we often call “going backward” in healing is actually your system’s way of integrating new information. Maybe you’ve been doing well for weeks, feeling more confident and grounded, and then something happens that sends you right back into old patterns of anxiety or depression.
This isn’t evidence that you’re broken or that therapy isn’t working. It’s often a sign that you’re ready to heal at a deeper level.
Think about it this way: when you’re renovating a house, you don’t just paint over the old wallpaper and call it done. You have to strip away layers, sometimes discovering damage you didn’t know was there. The house might look worse before it looks better, but that’s because you’re doing real, structural work.
Your healing is the same way. Sometimes you need to revisit old wounds with new tools, new understanding, and new support.
Honoring Your Unique Timeline
In EMDR, we often see that trauma memories need to be processed multiple times from different angles. A memory that felt overwhelming and chaotic might need to be approached first with grounding and safety, then with processing, then with integration. And sometimes, just when you think a memory is “resolved,” life presents you with a situation that activates it again—giving you another opportunity to heal at an even deeper level.
This is your nervous system’s wisdom at work. It won’t let you move faster than you can handle. It won’t process more than you’re ready for. Even when it feels frustrating, your system is protecting you.
Cultural and Social Context Matters
Your healing timeline is also influenced by the ongoing reality of living in a world that may not always affirm your identity or provide safety for your full self. If you’re healing from trauma while also navigating daily microaggressions, systemic barriers, or ongoing discrimination, of course your healing will have ups and downs.
You’re not just healing from past wounds—you’re also building resilience for ongoing challenges. That takes time, and it’s not a linear process.
Redefining “Success” in Healing
What if, instead of measuring healing by how quickly we “get over” things, we measured it by how much more capacity we have for joy? How much more authentic we can be in our relationships? How much more connected we feel to ourselves and our communities?
Success in healing might look like:
- Having a bad day and knowing it will pass
- Feeling triggered and having tools to ground yourself
- Setting a boundary without feeling guilty for days afterward
- Celebrating your identity instead of hiding parts of yourself
- Feeling angry about injustice without being consumed by it
- Asking for help when you need it
The Beauty of the Spiral
Healing happens in spirals, not straight lines. You might revisit the same themes, the same wounds, the same patterns—but each time, you’re coming at them from a different place. You have new tools, new insight, new support. What felt impossible last year might feel manageable today. What triggered you six months ago might barely register now.
And sometimes, what barely registered six months ago might trigger you intensely today—because you’re finally safe enough to feel it, finally ready to heal that particular piece of your story.
Moving Forward (At Your Own Pace)
Your healing journey is uniquely yours. It doesn’t need to look like anyone else’s timeline or fit anyone else’s expectations. The most radical thing you can do in a world that demands your productivity and performance is to honor your own pace.
Your trauma happened to you, not to a timeline. Your healing gets to happen the same way—in your body, in your time, in your way.
The broken pieces of your story aren’t mistakes to be quickly swept away. They’re part of your mosaic, waiting to be woven into something beautiful and whole. And that weaving? It takes as long as it takes
