The holidays are coming, and if you’re anything like many of my clients, you might be feeling a mix of emotions. Maybe there’s a little excitement, sure—but there’s probably also some dread. Some anxiety. Maybe even anger when you think about certain conversations or relatives.
Here’s what I want you to know: all of that makes complete sense. And there’s actually wisdom in it.
Your Inner Family is Getting Ready Too
In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, we talk about different “parts” of ourselves. Think of them like an internal team, each with different jobs and concerns. And right now, as you anticipate family gatherings, different parts of you are probably already showing up.
Maybe there’s a part that’s worried about saying something “wrong.” Or a part that gets defensive the moment Aunt Karen makes a certain comment. Or a part that just wants to disappear and avoid the whole thing. Some of you might have a part that’s good at keeping the peace, even if it means staying small and silent.
Here’s the thing: none of these parts are bad. They all developed for a reason. They’re trying to protect you.
Why Family Can Be So Triggering
Family dynamics are layered. For many of us—especially if you’re a person of color, queer, trans, or someone navigating your own healing journey—family gatherings can involve a lot of complicated stuff.
Maybe there are relatives who don’t accept certain parts of your identity. Maybe family conversations touch on racism, politics, or grief. Maybe there’s unspoken trauma that sits at the dinner table even when nobody mentions it directly. Maybe you’re the one who’s “made it out” or changed from how your family sees you, and that comes with its own set of pressures.
When we enter these situations, parts of us get activated. A protective part might put walls up. A people-pleasing part might kick in. A part that holds anger about past hurts might want to come forward. These aren’t character flaws—they’re survival strategies that have helped you navigate difficult environments.
Getting to Know Your Protective Parts
Here’s where IFS gets really powerful. Instead of fighting these parts or judging them for showing up, we can get curious about them.
Let’s say you have a part that gets really angry during family conversations. Before IFS, you might tell yourself, “I shouldn’t feel this angry. I need to just get over it.” But what if we asked that part some questions instead?
What are you protecting me from? What do you worry will happen if you don’t show up like this? When did you develop this protective strategy?
Often, that angry part has a good reason for existing. Maybe it’s protecting you from abandonment by making sure you don’t get hurt first. Maybe it’s protecting you from being invisible by making sure your voice gets heard, even if it comes out as anger. Maybe it’s saying, “Your boundaries matter, and I won’t let you disappear.”
When you understand the why, something shifts. You can appreciate what that part is trying to do while also exploring whether that strategy still serves you in 2025.
Boundaries as an Act of Self-Care
Here’s what’s real: you cannot change your family members. You probably can’t change the topics they bring up or the comments they make. But you absolutely can change your relationship to those things. You can set boundaries.
And here’s the revolutionary part—setting boundaries isn’t mean or selfish. It’s actually how you take care of all your parts.
When you say “I’m not comfortable discussing that,” or “I need to step outside for a few minutes,” or even “I’ve decided not to come this year,” you’re communicating to your protective parts that they don’t have to work so hard. You’re telling them, “I’ve got this. You don’t have to go into overdrive to keep me safe.”
Some Practical IFS Moves for the Holidays
Notice what gets activated. Pay attention to what happens in your body and your mind when you think about the gathering, or when you’re actually there. Do you tense up? Do you get chatty? Do you go quiet? That’s information. That’s a part showing up.
Get curious instead of critical. When you notice a part, pause. Instead of “Ugh, why am I being so anxious?” try “Hey, Anxious Part—what are you worried about here?” Curiosity creates space. Criticism creates shame.
Talk to your parts ahead of time. Before the gathering, you can literally have an internal conversation. You might say something like, “I know family gatherings are hard. I know the Protective Part gets activated. Here’s what I’m planning to do this year if things get tense…”
Have an exit strategy. Know what you’ll do if you need a break. Maybe it’s stepping outside. Maybe it’s a text to a friend. Maybe it’s genuinely leaving early. Your nervous system needs to know you have options.
Celebrate small wins. If you normally stay silent but you speak up about something, that’s a win. If you usually snap at someone and you took a breath instead, that’s a win. If you set a boundary and stuck to it, even if it felt awkward, that’s huge. Healing isn’t about being perfect; it’s about being intentional.
You Get to Define What “Family” Means
I want to name something that’s important: you don’t have to spend the holidays with your biological family if that’s not safe or healthy for you. Full stop.
For some people, healing means creating chosen family. Community. People who see all of you and celebrate that instead of erasing parts of your identity.
If that’s you, know that’s valid. That’s wisdom. That’s self-care.
The Real Goal: Integration, Not Perfection
In IFS, we’re not trying to get rid of protective parts or make them stop caring. We’re working toward integration—where all your parts work together, where you feel like a coordinated team instead of fragmented and in conflict.
With family, that might mean:
- Your protective part still shows up, but it’s not running the whole show
- You can feel love for family members AND maintain boundaries
- You can honor where you came from AND live authentically as who you’ve become
- You can feel anger or sadness about family dynamics AND still care
That’s the mosaic—all the different pieces, even the jagged and difficult ones, creating something whole and real.
As You Head Into the Holidays
I want to offer this: if you find yourself struggling during family gatherings, that’s not a sign that something’s wrong with you. It’s a sign that you’re human, navigating complex relationships in a world that often doesn’t make space for all of who you are.
Whether you’re managing family dynamics this year or choosing a different path entirely, you deserve to feel safe in your own body and your own mind.
If you’re interested in exploring IFS work more deeply—whether it’s for the holidays or for deeper healing around family patterns—I’d love to connect. Sometimes having professional support as you navigate these internal conversations can make a real difference.
You’re not broken. Your parts aren’t broken. You’re just learning to work together in new ways.
And that’s beautiful.
Mosaic Bloom Counseling specializes in IFS and trauma-informed therapy for individuals navigating complex family dynamics, identity, and healing. We offer sessions both in-person in the Philadelphia area and via telehealth across multiple states. If you’d like to explore how IFS could support your healing journey, we’d be honored to connect.
